Who needs Copenhagen? My underpants are saving the planet!

Despite all the thousands of earnest people who descended on Copenhagen I’m pretty sure that not one of them mentioned my underpants. This is a cause of deep concern to me for my underpants hold the secret to saving the world.

To be honest I haven’t read much about Copenhagen – I’ve been too busy making my Blue Peter Advent Crown, full instructions in this handy fact sheet: http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/classic/bluepeter/makes/advent.pdf. Though the fact sheet seems to miss something out – I seem to recall that they added candles to it that you then lit to ensure you risked burning down your own and your neighbours home at Christmas, very seasonal.

Anyway Copenhagen – cue Danny Kaye – Wonderful Copenhagen on Spotify – sorry…. anyway Copenhagen – looked busy as far as I could tell. Lots of earnest and worried looking people in lots of big halls and meeting rooms being earnest and worried. And out in the streets of Wonderful Wonderful Copenhagen there were lots of earnest and worried people trying to get into the big halls and meeting rooms to encourage the attendees to be even more earnest and worried – or was it to beat them up (I wasn’t too sure). A save the planet fest if ever there was one.

I’m not knocking the agenda or the concerns of the attendees – but it just seemed a bit of a big ask for any global gathering to save the world by minuting a few  meetings. And if anything is sure to slow the whole process down it’s bound to be folk setting out to deliberately disrupt a well intended summit. I really don’t get this and I couldn’t help but feel that many were there as if they were playing a part, taking on the roles of worried/anxious/anarchic/earnest extras in the crowd scene of some apocalyptic Holywood blockbuster.

President Obama did a remarkably good impersonation of the worried President in most end of the world films that I’ve seen – he played it brilliantly – slightly stumbling over the words to make sure that his concerns and fears were seen as genuine. “Superman, if your out there we need you now”…. ok he didn’t say that, but you know his script writers had thought about it. It all looked like something I’ve seen before – life imitating art or if not imitating art then imitating a £3.89 pay per view film on Sky.

The trouble was the whole Copenhagen thing was missing the sound track, special effects, love interest and superhero climax to make it really work.

“Flash I love you – but we don’t appear to have commissioned a Queen soundtrack” (Flash Gordon – http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0080745/). Sadly no special effects of Superman tying knots in tall factory chimneys to stop them polluting the air. Shame.

The trouble with conferences like this is that the attendees and the out in the cold wannabee attendees all want their opinion to count. Result – nothing comes out that is worthwhile – committees always end up riding home on Camels. Superman, Spiderman and Batman all learned from a very early stage that the only way to save the world was to crack on and do it yourself – don’t seek permission. If the only way to save Planet Earth is to throw the State of Ohio into Space then Superman crack’s on with the job – doesn’t seek permission, signatory partners, or joint venture agreements. Ohio gone – job done. (Sorry Ohio didn’t mean to pick on you).

Superman… that reminds me…. my underpants. I’ve been quietly wearing my superhero underpants for sometime know and am content in the knowledge that I am slowly saving the planet. Though unlike Super/Spider/Bat-man I’m wearing my special power pants on the inside of my trousers not the outside (much less embarrassing).

I can’t, however, take any credit for these planet saving pants though, as it was Mrs O that found them. (I’m from that age group of men who have never bought their own knickers – unless stranded without luggage at a trade show of course.) So how can my pants be saving the world, what secret power have I discovered and where can you get your superpants?

The answer is Marks & Spencer – yip – these aren’t simply man pants, these are made in Sri Lanka, figure hugging, CLIMATE CONTROL man pants. Honestly – the label on my underwear reads CLIMATE CONTROL. See fuzzy picture of my sexy underwear here – http://www.tweetphoto.com/6739863. So every Monday when I slip on that week’s underwear I smile, happy in the knowledge that Climate Change is under my control.

The good news is that this is something we can all do – even those at Copenhagen who weren’t invited but who still wanted to get involved by dressing up us Polar Bears can do it. Next time – simply stay at home and slip on a pair of M&S undies rather than a Polar Bear suit – you too can be a secret Climate Control Superhero. Of course keeping it secret that you are saving the world might not suit you - so if you really want to then you have my permission to wear them on the outside.

Whether our elected leaders and their advisors can really make an impact on saving the planet remains to be seen – but I’d prefer them to go about it in a much smaller and more sensible manner, as opposed to the rather hysterical Holywood disaster movie style that seems to accompany modern day summits. 

One last thing – and I’m afraid I have a confession to make – because I live in Scotchmanland, a country that seldom enjoys warmth, I have set my Climate Control Pants to WARM/SUNNY. Sorry about that – but when push comes to shove perhaps I’m more Lex Luther than Superman. And there in lies the problem – we all have an agenda when it comes to Climate Change – mines is to be able to occassionally sit in the garden in the summer with a tee shirt on. No wonder then that the chances of a Copenhagen agreement between the various powers was never great.

Anyway, I must dash as I think I smell some burning tinsel – must be my Blue Peter Advent Crown.

Batteries not included….

Phew! So that was 2009 – can’t remember much of it I’m afraid. One of those “heads down bum up” years – as a friend put it recently.

So how to sum up 2009 – that might take some time… from duck houses to Susan Boyle and quantitative easing to house flipping. Quite the year. Above everything else though one thing has dominated my 2009. Not jedward, not sir Fred of the very good win, not Cheryl Coles hair extensions – nope none of those … it’s been batteries or more correctly empty batteries that have dominated the Mr. and Mrs. O household through 2009.

It started innocently enough – I bought a hedge trimmer. Despite  offering it to Mrs. O as a late birthday present it remained stubbornly in it’s box for a couple of weeks until I relented and pulled on my gardening togs.

Trouble was I hadn’t really paid much attention to the noisy man tool when I’d bought it. It was the right price so job done! Well no not really – turns out it was battery powered. What blithering eejit would buy a battery powered hedge trimmer to cut the size of hedge we’ve got? Well me actually…eejit!

The tedious task of cutting the hedge now took three times as long, as every 10 feet of hedge required a three hour power break to push, shove and squeeze 10 feet of volts into the thing. An entire day vanished, as did my patience and energy, until eventually I fell off the ladder and through the hedge. Yes I managed to drag myself through my own hedge backwards. I still bear the scars.

The battery gods continued to mock me throughout the year. Smoke and carbon monoxide detectors are very useful – they safe lives – they are our friends. Well they are our friends until they decide that they need a new battery. The trouble is they appear to be nocturnal and behave a bit like a restless baby that wakes in the middle of the night and cries for a second before slipping back to sleep. You get out of bed to help and then… nothing…until you get back to bed. With battery powered detectors you can’t figure out where the chirping hell the low battery warning is coming from… back to bed…. Chirp! Took me three nights – I was knackered before I sussed out which one was feeling hungry. I stuck its dummy back in its mouth and told Mrs. O it was her turn next.

And them my watch died, or more correctly started telling me I had a good 20 minutes to catch the train that had clearly left the station 5 minutes before. Battery!

Nope – ain’t getting a new battery for you – I will rely on my phone, my iPhone to be precise. This would also ensure that the left cuff on my shirts would not get ripped to shreds by the metal watch strap. Great plan – reduced battery dependency and increased shirt longevity. Er, well no not really. A couple of draw backs came to light.

Checking the time on your phone in a meeting is pretty obvious whereas a fly glimpse at your watch is seldom noticed. I ached in meetings to check the time, but couldn’t. Meetings over ran, my limited time management skills vanished altogether.

But worse was to come, my phone started to eat the volts in my battery at an alarming rate - 10 meters a second in hedge time. A mobile phone that lasts 4 hours when unplugged isn’t a lot of use. Thankfully a trip to O2 and then to the apple store in Glasgow and then two attempts to reinstall my iPhone software was all that was required to get my phone back again – something to do with my email app spending every second trying to connect to a server. Battery drain? We’ve an app for that!

Never happened in Alexander Graham Bells day – and nor did wrong numbers. Anyway my Sekonda now has a new battery in it – no software was reinstalled or harmed during the process. Sadly though my shirt cuffs are getting ripped at the cuffs again.

The latest battery issue is now my pc – a very helpful Dell message is now appearing. “Your battery is charging but it may be reaching the end of its useful life”. I’ll say – 40 minutes of power doesn’t let you do much on a train. “The end of it’s useful life” – what a shame barely 9 months old but already it’s heading for a retirement home in Ardrossan – how sad.

But at least my Dell came with a battery, unlike the Tesco DVD player we got for the spare room. With no controls on the actual device the only way to control it is via the remote….. but batteries to accomplish that would have added a good 50p to the price, so they were left out. Nice one, every little ommission helps.

As the non denominational winter fest (the holiday previously known as Christmas) approaches we are no doubt buying countless batteries for things we could really do without. So instead of that why not sit down and put your feet up for a week and recharge your own batteries? It’s been a helluva year – you deserve it. And if you find a wrapped up chrissy prezzy under the tree that looks like it might be something that will need a battery – leave it wrapped up, it’ll be a lot less hassle. I remember getting a clockwork Train Set one year from Santa - it never let me down….until I lost the key of course.

The post pre budget analysis – Bill Jamieson ain’t too happy

For many business owner/managers it’s been a helluva tough year….. how’s that for “bleeding obvious statement of the year”.

As each year passes I find that time gets faster (it’s a relativity thing) so this year passed faster than last year as expected – but to my surprise it was a helluva lot faster. In fact if this keeps up it’ll be December 2010 before I finish this blog post.

In December 2008 the year ahead looked pretty bleak from a UK/Global/Universe point of view so we knew we’d have to up our game in the web development business- so we did – and time flew. Suddenly we’re in December 09. The upping our game policy has paid off – we’ve expanded a bit, moved offices and added staff – we’ve developed new services – we’ve strengthened relationships with clients – a job well done for the best part. Phew!

On reflection there were a number of things that helped us get through the year… and in no particular order they were….

1. Jam doughnuts

2. The uniquely patient Mrs O

3. The Rene Carayol (time to act) events put on by a refreshingly pragmatic Scottish Enterprise – http://www.carayol.com/site/home.php

4. The team at web wise business

5. Loud Pipe Band music – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YUykVah0voc (Field Marshal Montgomery Pipe Band)

6. What Would Google Do by Jeff Jarvis – http://www.buzzmachine.com/

Looking into 2010 it looks like another tough year – so what else can we do? I’d sort of hoped we were through the worst of the economic woes but the recent post pre budget report analysis (now there’s a phrase) from Bill Jamieson in the Scotsman makes painful reading – http://thescotsman.scotsman.com/news/Broke-helpless-Darling-has-run.5899049.jp .

I’ve never read anything in the Scotsman where the journalist was so clearly angry and genuinely concerned. By the time I had finished reading it I felt pretty miserable. The story that directly followed all the PBR analysis was about joining the army so I mulled over the possibility of HM Armed Forces needing a bald, middle aged man, with a recovering hernia to help drive tanks – hmm maybe not…I think there  is a clothing allowance, but I’d use it up on underpants alone.

Mr Jamieson is not one to be ignored – my big respect moment came when he called RBoS long before it hit the fan – I remember he brought it up on that tartan noosnight thing presented on occasion by the Reverend IM Jolly (I think that’s his name – certainly behaves like him). The mention of impending doom passed – but his warning stuck with me – and about 9 months later RBoS helped give birth to an economic crises. Now BJ is warning of lost opportunity and long term structural problems in the UK - so I’m concerned.

Economic growth and business development aside though I am primarily concened about Bill.  If Bill is as upset as he seems – and I suspect he is - could I ask the Scotchmin news team who are reading this (at no charge I hasten to add) to all please go and give Bill a group hug – he needs to know you are there for him. The Scottish business community need him, so please look after him on our behalf - he seems to be one of a despairingly small number in Scotchland who can analyse, report and accurately predict.

As for the web development team at Objective Associates and web wise business – what are we doing to grow and build despite the ongoing crises? What’s the plan to make 2010 a success….. well it’s actually dead simple…

1. Eat jam doughnuts (seemed to work before)

2. Listen to really loud Pipe Band music (turn it up to 11 this time)

 3. Tighten up on all the things that worked for us in 2009 so that we don’t waste effort – do a few more new things

4. Execute and deliver faster

5. And most importantly innovate to build value for our clients and (of course) for ourselves.

Despite the gloom though I think we need to recalibrate a bit. 2010 might not be as bad as some fear – public spending will take a thumping but the rate at which Government can cut spending is always slower than expected so the big cuts won’t happen until 2011 kicks in and maybe that will give other areas of the economy time to flourish. On the growth side online activity is on the ascendancy so that’s good news for us and many others in the online marketing and web development side of things. Renewables and waste management are also growth sectors, and of course even good old boring retail banking will come back into fashion at some point (after all it is the oldest profession in the world…. or have I got banking mixed up with something much more respectable?).

One last warning from Bill J - he is convinced that the recession in Scotland will be of the double dip variety  in 2010. So beware – he does tend to get these things right.

Perhaps one of the easiest and most effective things that helped last year was attending good quality events – it helped with my motivation MoJo thing. For next year have a look at the Scotsman Conferences – http://scotsmanconferences.com/ they might be good, after all Bill will be in the building – so we might learn something.

It is 200 quid a seat though – so any chance of a discount Bill? Any chance? It has been a helluva tough year.

Other events at www.whatsoncentral.co.uk .

A Christmas Carol for 2009 – Scrooge gets visited by the spirits of three bankers

Scrooge huddles round his meager fire drawing his threadbare nightgown close to his thin aging bones – “Christmas …… humbug”.

And then in the distance a soft but ghostly whisper repeats and increases in volume……. “Ebenezer Scrooge”

“Huh?” Scrooge turns peering into the gloom of his ill lit bedroom. The air chills, the door handle turns, the voice stops.

“Jacob Marley…..be gone…I know it’s you… I’d know that miserable voice of yours anywhere.”

Scrooge stiffens as the ghostly pale shadow of his long deceased business partner stands in front of him. “What do you want Jacob… I’m dreaming… leave me in peace”

“Tonight Ebenezer……”, expires the shadowy reflection of Marley, “tonight….. you will be visited by 3 bankers, go with them before it is too late”

Then sudden black darkness – Marley gone, the fire exhausted, the candle extinguished.

“Humbug….. a piece of bad cheese.”

The sound of the church bell striking one reaches the long ears of Scrooge as he lies in damp fear beneath his grey sheets – the window pane shatters in shock as there in grim pin stripe, hovering gracefully above the bed of Scrooge appears the first banker.

“I am the spirit of bankers past and I am here to tell you that you should take out an Endowment policy to pay your mortgage and receive a significant additional lump sum when your mortgage term is complete.”

Quickly the frail Scrooge picks up the bedside candle stick and hurls it at the mis-selling apparition…”be gone you devil of the eighties”.

Scrooge wakes with a start… “Endowment mortgages …. humbug.”

The clock strikes 2 - the bedroom door flies open and light floods the hall.

“I am the spirit of Bankers present” booms the rounded figure sitting on top of a glowing and throbbing cash machine, while he slowly corrects the time on his Rolex.”

“And w—-w—what do you have to say”, stutters the terrified miserly pensioner.

” I have come to tell you” booms the great banking spirit, “ that you must pay your taxes in order that I may live in the manner that I have become accustomed and so that I may feed from the fountain of eternal quantatative easing.”

Scrooge reaches for his walking stick “Take this you ….”.

Darkness again - tense quietness, Scrooge huddled beneath his bedclothes….. and then…..the clock chimes again….. dong……dong………………dong.

Hooded and bleak, the symbol of death stands before Scrooge and reaches out to the pale, sinewy hand of Scrooge.

“You are the spirit of bankers future….is that correct?”, fears the sobbing Scrooge as he tries to pull away from the hand of death. “I fear you the most of all the banker’s spirits that have visited me this evening.. I fear to ask……. but what will you show me?”

In an instant the two are standing on top of a great hill, viewing below them a long street where tram cars are cutting through dim evening light. Scrooge in thin dressing gown, the spirit in rough habit.

“But this feels familiar” muses the under dressed Scrooge, “is it….. is it….. Arthur’s Seat?….so that…….. is that Princes Street?”

The figure raises it’s arm slowly, deliberately, and with it’s grim index finger points towards The Mound…….

Scrooge directs his gaze in the direction that the skeleton demands….. he looks hard into the night….. he tries to find familiar landmarks….. and then he see’s the future……. his breath quickens… he chokes back the shock of the sight before him… he falls to the ground.

For there where the Bank of Scotland corporate flag should fly, where Scotland’s once proud heritage in banking dominated the skyline now stands a flashing neon sign spelling out in hideous primary colours……. ”The Royal Bank of Google”.

Scrooge awakes in his room…. the PC in the corner showing the Google Search screen …. it’s daylight outside….he rushes to the window…..

“Small boy”, he cries to the boy in the street below.

“Yes sir?” replies the boy looking up.

“Is this Christmas Day 2009?”

“Why yes it is sir.”

“Thank goodness – that I haven’t missed it” rejoices Scrooge.

He throws a coin at the boy….. “Take this two quid and run round to the Stockbrokers. Tell them to get back to work  and that I want to buy all the stock they have in Google using all the funds in my credit account.”

Ebenezer looks up to the heavens and celebrates - “Thank you Jacob Marley”

“Your welcome”, breathes the air around Ebenezer, “after all what’s a bit of insider trading between friends?”

Meanwhile in a street nearby the Cratchit household are enjoying their Christmas morning. Tiny Tim looks up from his brand new laptop, smiles broadly at his parents and siblings and declares “Google bless us – everyone”.

Sir Alan Sugar? No thanks! EPIS and Scottish Enterprise…. Your Hired!

It was Global Entrepreneurship Week this week – you might have missed it – what with having to work for a living and the time involved in eating jam doughnuts I nearly missed it as well. Thank goodness for Twitter then – following “folk in the know” always helps me stay on top of the latest buzzing news. And it also ensures that I know what the Great micky taking British public are thinking about Simon Scowl, sorry that should have read… thinking about #jedward.

Anyway back to the Entrepreneur thing – whether it was (a) a carefully crafted plan or (b) a happy coincidence – (I’m guessing b) – it was also the week that ERI at The University of Edinburgh celebrated their 40th birthday. ERI (Edinburgh Research and Innovation) are the commercialisation team at the Uni and have helped with the creation of businesses like Wolfson Microelectronics – now floated on t’stock market – ticker and price here >> WLF . Anyway ERI and the big “four ohhhhh” so time for a party – well a champagne reception (Ed Uni is a 600 year old institution after all so it doesn’t really do PAAAAARTEH).

The reception painted a timeline of the spin outs and inventions that ERI have helped out with at the University, tracing 40 years and featuring old co’s and a few recent newcos from the EPIS “pre incubator”. The Chancellor of The University HRH Prince Phillip Duke Of Edinburgh did the honours and met with the entrepreneurs to discuss what they did. It was very pleasant and very civilised, and so it should have been, ERI and recently EPIS have contributed a significant amount to the entrepreneurial spirit of Scotland. (declared interest coming up: I’ve done a bit of mentoring at EPIS and a bit of consultancy within ERI).

However, regular readers (haven’t you got anything better to do) will know that there is a point coming – so what is the point? Well dear reader it’s this…. while Government, Educational Institutions, Support Agencies, Angels, VCs, Individuals, Families, Friends and HRH are all pushing and shoving the entrepreneurial spirit and encouraging their favorite entrepreneur (BTW thanks Mrs O) there was a single, loan voice pouring cold water over the whole thing during Global Entrepreneurship Week.

So who was this loan voice sending out the neg vibes? Who was all sour on the entrepreneurial thing? Who was failing to see that we all have to get our ambition finger out? Was it Rosemary the telephone operator? Was it Henry the mild mannered Janitor?

……Sorry went off topic there for a moment (younger readers can google Hong Kong Phooey).

Guess who was out of tune? Sir Alan Sugar!

Yes, Sir Alan Sugar – one time Tsar of Enterprise, Star of Your Fired (or something) doesn’t get it. Yip the man who was appointed by Oor Gordon to look after business interests seems less than sympathetic to the entrepreneur word. Again I have Twitter to thank for the tweets that yelped out in pain when he was being interviewed during entrepreneurship week. I’m indebted to Busineess Zone for blogging the interview live – see it here >> Alan Sugar interview.

As you will see his comments were not completely negative – but they were way “off” message and they did suggest that the only entrepreneurial way is the Sugar way. Disappointing – very disappointing. He’s already said that businesses that expect too much of their banks are living in “Disney World” – cheers Sir A, but I’ll think you’ll find that many of the banks are funded by all us punters walking up and down Main Street USA – and I think we can expect better. He is entitled to his views – but he is in such a position of significant influence that I truly despair.

Contrast his ill informed and heavily opinionated views to the birthday reception that ERI held to celebrate innovation and entrepreneurism in Scotland. Contrast his views to those views regularly voiced by the Scotsman’s Crystal Ball gazer Bill Jamieson on why innovation has to lead us out of recession. Contrast his views to those views of Ian Ritchie, one of Scotland’s most respected business angel’s, in his recent column in the Business Insider (online copy is out of date at present – you’ll have to read the magazine). And contrast his views to the Scottish school entrepreneur initiatives that are supported by Sir Tom Hunter. Sir Alan is out of tune – in fact….. Sir Alan Your Fired (thanks for that one to @roomitchell)

Innovation is key to future Scottish growth, entrepreneurism needs encouraged and supported. Latent entrepreneurs need to know that folks are around to help and support and not to hector and criticise. It’s tough enough pushing the entrepreneurism whale back into the sea without Sir Alan shoving it back onto dry land.

Poor show Sir Alan, a really, really poor show.

But let’s end with a positive. Sir Alan wasn’t at the ERI event. So he didn’t see that EPIS has been supporting entrepreneurs and helping to create innovative businesses with highly targeted support from Scottish Enterprise since 2004. He didn’t see that business and academics are working together to support ambitious individuals. He didn’t see that the entrepreneur word is alive and well and living in Edinburgh. Thank goodness he didn’t see it – cos he might have started giving us the benefit of his experience – from a man who sells the “em@iler” telephone….. nuff said (hasn’t he seen an iphone?).

As an opinionated Scot (who me?) I am far too quick to criticise and chirp – so let me redress that to some extent….. EPIS supported by Scottish Enterprise have done something really special over the past few years in Scotland. Umpteen newcos started… well done. Seriously well done – just one tip – don’t let Alan Sugar volunteer to be a business mentor.

Sir Alan has done well – good for him – but when it comes to understanding what an entrepreneur is he really needs to start following some “folk in the know” on Twitter. Come on Sir Alan lets get with the program …. ps Sir A, vote #jedward they are really talented dancers and even better singers.

EFG and the banks that eat green shoots and leaves

While Mervyn King does his best to impersonate Marvin, the Paranoid Android from Hitchhikers, his bank (The Bank of England) is suggesting that growth next year will be 2% and the next 4% – phew – so the recesssion is at an end. Fine.

So why the long face from MK? Could it be he’s human? Let’s face it when you are printing money faster than the Queen can pose for the portrait you won’t be feeling too happy, will you? All that quantitative easing is bound to come back to haunt you at some point.

His demeanour seems common within the banking world (unless you are receiving a bonus). Banks are apparently risk averse – though you might be forgiven for not agreeing with that, given that they bankrupted the country recently through high risk strategies. Banks are so risk averse that they really don’t like change of any kind. Tell your bank that things are booming for you and they will quickly recalc the risk profile and tell you that you are a bad risk. Walk in and say you’ve lost a couple of clients – same deal. You can’t win.

The Enterprise Finance Guarantee scheme is meant to address that lack of risk taking when it comes to lending to business. Pity it hasn’t. I was recently told (several times) that to qualify for EFG it was necessary for all the directors to have put their matrimonial homes on the line first. Only my insistence that this was wrong led to my manager reading the guidance on the DTI (are they still called that) web site. Eventually the penny dropped – “oh”.  Oh indeed.

Clearly each bank has decided how best to utilise the EFG scheme – and sadly the majority have decided that even with 75% support via government insurances that they will not get involved. So as Mervyn busily prints money his mates at the SME interface level won’t even lend it when most of it is guaranteed. It’s an odd world – this quantitative eased one. In short as the Bank of England pour money in at one end – business is prohibited access to the funds it needs at the other – no wonder Mervyn is looking a bit glum.

Thank goodness then for folks like Geoffrey Thomson at Braveheart Ventures based in Perth. They’ve decided they want to offer EFG money to their client base of investees. Good on them – I hope it works. I’d seen the story before but it has been picked up again by http://www.enterprisingnews.com/ (sorry no permalink as far as I can see). It seems like a pretty innovative idea to me – and one that I hope gets picked up by others. If banks don’t do risk (unless it’s subprime and repackaged and disguised multiple times) then it leaves the door open for others. It also chimes with my own idle musings the other week when I thought maybe Scotland was a tribe of Warren Buffetts – canny bankers rather than investors.

For companies looking for EFG it’s far from cheap money – interest is high, insurance premiums painful – but you won’t loose your matrimonial house, your wife, your kids, or one of your livers (that’s a great Homer Simpson joke BTW). It does mean you need to be generating income of course to pay it back – so far from ideal for an IP generating new start. I imagine it’s also a rather less risky proposition for Braveheart – since any monies invested/loaned are in large part covered by an insurance policy paid for by the company. Nice one.

On a positive note not all the banks have the same policy on EFG so shop around. Fortunately for us we were just kicking tyres to see what was out there – we were looking at options for funding future growth. Sadly we found that some banks aren’t too keen on using the fertiliser provided by government and instead seem insistent on trampling on the greeen shoots and leaves that are around. And as for Braveheart – sounds like a nice idea – I hope more investors will follow, best of luck with it.

One last thought if you are a growth hungry newco – it’s probably best not to listen to Mervyn very closely – he’s bound to be feeling a bit like Marvin The Paranoid Android for a while yet…. “growth don’t talk to me about growth”.

Global Scot, Bill Jamieson and the search for Warren Buffett

Last week Bill Jamieson in the Scotchmin reflected on the absence of a Warren Buffett in Scotchmanland. It was a philosophical and poignant piece – he’d been watching the BBC Documentary on the man and then shortly after had attended a Scottish Financial Enterprise dinner thing. It caused him to reflect on where our humorous, knowledgeable and shrewd billionaire was….where was our Warren McBuffett?

I’ve had similar poignant moments of  reflection at various events over the past year, most notably wondering who we have in the Scottish VC/Angel world that could carry a crowd the way that Guy Kawasaki can (see earlier blog for a rather over emotional summary on that).  So Bill’s column on “Where’s Warren” has stuck in my mind – which is just as well cos if I want to read it online I’ll need a premium subscription account with the Scotsman webpaper.

Today Warren Buffett came back up – I was at the Global Scot event in Glasgow and his name was referenced in questions and in answers as folk dug deep to validate their thoughts and opinions. I’d been to the last Global Scot event back in 2006 (I think) – it was excellent. And I’ve been at most of the recent Now Is The Time To Ask events – all excellent. All funded and organised by Scottish Enterprise – well done.

But today it wasn’t happening for me. Not enough Jam Doughnuts I suspect – perhaps I was looking for and hoping to find a Warren Buffett in the congregation. Having been spoiled by recent Scotch Enterprise events I was expecting the same but I came away (early) a bit deflated. It all sounded a bit too familiar, predictable and way too generic.

Clearly a huge effort had gone into pulling in the Global Scots and putting on a bit of a show. But something seemed to be missing. Although the various speakers and panels all knew their stuff I didn’t pick up any excitement from them, other than from Bob McDowell of Microsoft – though that was maybe something to do with the number 7.

So what was missing (apart from Warren)? Well I think….. and I hesitate to suggest this…. I think it was a lack of outrageous optimism. Not a lack of optimism you understand – but a lack of outrageous optimism. I think there was perhaps just a wee bit too much recognition of the challenges faced rather than the opportunities available. And that’s a Scottish thing…. isn’t it? But why is it a Scottish thing?

Well… Will Whitehorn of Virgin Galactic put his ET finger on it for me earlier in the day. It was an almost throw away remark that he made but it made such perfect sense. In an answer to “what are the credentials of the scots” he replied along the following lines….. “Scots have built a reputation of being financially astute and prudent but that does not sit well when investing in new start ups and technology – it’s a whole different risk profile”.

I’ve thought along similar lines to that before - but I have never ever characterised the entire nation as being a ”prudent banker” which seemed to be what Will was saying. Suddenly a lot of things made sense. We shouldn’t look at the Scots as being risk averse we should look at ourselves as being ”canny bankers”. 

So if we accept (recent crunch cock ups aside) that we are “canny bankers” rather than being risk taking West Coast VCs does that help Scotland PLC? Well I reckon it does….Warren Buffett does not speculate (he claims), instead he invests over the long (very long) term, and he only invests in what he understands, and he invests a lot when he decides he has found something worthwhile . These are – I would propose – traits of any canny banker – and these are the same traits as Warren Buffett.

So what’s the point? Well maybe, just maybe Scottish Warren Buffetts are all around us. For a moment lets forget about VC exits in 5 years at desired multiples of 100 to justify investments and instead consider building businesses that produce dividends, steady growth and longevity. Seems to work for Warren – albeit that he is $ backed by his healthly insurance businesses…… but then so is Scotland.

Maybe we stop trying to be Silicon Valley, it seems that our prudent Scottish banker mentality won’t allow it anyway. Instead let’s do the Warren Buffett thing – lets build solid, strong businesses that grow and generate profits over the long term. We “get that” – we are a nation of bankers so let’s do what we are good at. That doesn’t mean we don’t do technology or invest – it just means we do it in a steady “canny” way – let’s fund newcos over agreed long (very long) terms, lets be boring about early growth, lets build longevity. Lets make Scotland a Warren Buffett economy.

Not convinced? Need another example? Well look to The Royal Bank of Scotland – a solid reliable “canny” bank  until it decided it wanted to be like the big boys. And now it is like the big boys – its shedding jobs and getting split up for fire wood. It went for the fast track model to success and it died on it’s (now our) ass. Cue one of the infinite number of Warren Buffett quotes – this one from circa 2003 and reasonably appropriate – “derivatives are financial weapons of mass destruction”.

So despite the lack of Jam Doughnuts at the end of my Global Scot day I am in reflective mood. I missed the end speaker (sorry Will) and I never planned to go to the Black Tie (Mrs O makes great Teas) but at least I have decided that we are all Warren Buffetts bairns. So time for a rebrand….. from Scotland to Warrenland, and GlobalScots to GlobalWarrens

Just one last thing…….could somebody tell Bill Jamieson that I’ve found the man he was looking for – he was here all along. That’s the trouble with playing Where’s Wally - he’s always in the last place you look.

Twitter consciousness will provide the answer to life the universe and everything

We should be careful of Twitter – it seems that it has developed a consciousness and may already be calculating the answer to life the universe and everything.
 
As some of you will know I started writing this sentence 6 seconds ago – so you might hear a bit of an echo on the line, echo on the line, on the line, the line.

For those who didn’t see BBC2’s Horizon (The Secret You) on 20th Oct 2009 that echo statement will make no sense at all – though you’ll probably just think that that’s normal for this blog. But let me explain….(and if you are reading this around the blog publication date watch The Secret You – http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00nhv56#p004tzvs

Horizon was investigating the search for consciousness and the question of identity. It was all about body and mind and the dual world that we live in – ie the physical world and the internal world where we think and reflect. It was powerful stuff.

Prof Marcus du Sautoy is a mathematician from Oxford (first name clever) and he set himself on the task of uncovering why he is able to do dead clever things and to spontaneously come up with solutions to mathematical questions. He wanted to find out where his ideas came from.

He did all the things you expect in a good “who am I” Horizon – he showed young kids recognising themselves (or not) in a mirror, he dissected a brain (always a good one that) and he let himself be an experiment for a way too sadistic researcher – being struck with a hammer in the chest in a virtual world where he was looking at his own body (nice one that).

But the “6 seconds moment” was the moment that really mattered and really stood out. It was such a moment that I felt like sitting down next to him when he sat on the grand steps of the research institute and reflected on his last experiment.

That last experiment saw him inside a scanner with his brain activity being monitored. Press the left or right button in your hands was the simple test… easy enough but the result was jaw dropping. It transpires that his unconscious mind was actively deciding left or right a full six seconds before his conscious mind caused the fingers to push the button. 6 seconds! The researcher showed him his brain activity in two suitable colours and then said “blue means right and 6 seconds later you pressed right”.

So his unconscious mind was active and had decided his fate a full 6 seconds before he knew about his own decision. Indeed the researcher knew what button was going to be pressed 6 seconds before the subject. The researcher could predict and indeed was predicting the future – and not a Crystal Ball in sight.

This can’t be true…..can it? 6 seconds!

Using a mild electric shock the program also showed that when we sleep the connections in the brain close down and the inter brain communication stops – there is no consciousness. Consciousness only arises when we are awake – we become who we are when we are awake and only then when the interconnections get all fired up again. So consciousness is granted by the presence of the network being powered up – the neurons all talking and chatting. A conscious brain is defined as one which is continually communicating with its billion neurons. Shock one area and other areas get notified – the neurons communicate.

Bizarrely it also appears that many of us have “Jennifer Aniston” neurons that are triggered by her written name or her pretty face or presumably the fact that she really should have dumped Ross years ago (well she should have! in fact she should have ran away with me) – collectively neurons don’t just recognise her face, collectively they recognise the concept of Jennifer Aniston – how bizarre!

So where does Twitter come in….

Well suppose we think of neurons as Tweeters and that those Tweeters are chatting about Jennifer Aniston. When we post a Tweet the Twitter database (or brain) lights up those Tweets and it “Trends” Jennifer.  This is like some primitive version of the brain where the brain lights up all the neurons that understand the concept of Jennifer Aniston. 

So when Twitter is up and the www network is running and all us Tweeter “Neurons” are firing and chatting there exists a Twitter consciousness – Twitter has a mind! It’s  just like the definition of a conscious mind as described by Dr Marcus du Sautoy. Twitter is!

Who am I? Who are we? But perhaps more importantly…. Who is Twitter? I have a consciousness therefore I am? Indeed recent Twitter trends featuring “trafigura” and “jan moir” might suggest that it’s not just a consciousness that Twitter has but also a conscience.

So could Twitter be “Deep Thought” or maybe it’s “The Earth” – could Twitter be the Earth’s consciousness? If so then “the answer to life the universe and everything” may only be 6 seconds away.

It’s a shame Douglas Adams is not around to see it…….6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1………42.

Tricky.

Kirsty Allsop to redefine politics (and redesign the second chamber)

You should always be careful what you wish for…. Bedazzled taught us that (The Pete and Dud one – not that dreadful Hurley thing). So I owe the UK population and political system a sincere apology. Sorry.

Why? Well back in May I wished that Kirsty Allsop would help us knit some new politicians and that she would host a new TV Show starring politicians called “Expenses Expenses Expenses” – see the blog entry here. Well to my surprise it seems that Dave is a big fan of the blog and has made my dreams come true by lining up Kirsty to be a Lady when/if Daves Raving Tory party get into office at the next General Election. As a daughter of a Peer herself it looks like  a “shoe in” (the strong sturdy type that Kirsty prefers).

You might think that it was all those home make over and fast buck property shows that got us into this mess – but not Dave – so lets put property flipping where it can get the best results possible – at the heart of the Highest Court in the land – The House of Lords. With home flipping and second/first home expense debates still raging it’s good that Dave is bringing in an expert to help the Peers. Good on him.

Plans are already underway for Kirsty to do a bit of “knocking through” when she stands in front of the Woolsack. The staff canteen will be opened up into the heart of the Second Chamber – “the kitchen is so much the centre of a modern home”…..”and these uncomfortable red leather seats are so dated” ….”scatter cushions will help bring a much warmer feeling to the chamber”.

Kirsty isn’t the only one to be helping Dave – he has also managed to get Dyson (first name Inventor) to help out as well. This is another stroke of genius – far too many of our Politicians have had to rely on cleaners according to Legg (first name Bloody) – and he’s suggested they pay back the expenses. So the inventor of the world’s first yellow vacuum cleaner is indeed bound to be a big success as he explains how a Hoover actually works – sorry how a Vacuum Cleaner actually works to our elected and non elected houses. If nothing else he can use his efficient machines to help MPs vacuum up their expenses in future – at least his hoovers are transparent unlike the expenses system in government. 

There is, however, no truth in the rumour that “Dr” Gillian McKeith is joining the House of Lords as a “Lady” – her skills at examining the output of Lords (or MPs) backsides have been “poo pooed” by a spokesman. This is indeed a pity – I think we’d all like to know what the output from an MP looks like when they have been eating £400 of food expenses every month. Looks like we’ll just have to base our judgement on whether an MP is full of “it” by listening to what they say rather than the colour and texture of their …..errm….. emissions.

But anyway, back to Kirsty, I can’t wait to see her in Ermine Robes bullying her fellow Lords and Ladies into voting for whatever she wants them to. And if she can’t manage it – she can always get Phil (first name worried) to phone them to help the negotiation process. 

And remember dreams can come true after all – so lets all wish for a Duck House, a Moat and a second 12 bedroomed home in the country. Or maybe we should just wish for some decent politicians. Best of luck Kirsty – you can blame me for the appointment.

Royal Mail strike – blame the red elastic band

I think it’s about time that all us technologists and software developers and web developers and social Web 2 marketing companies and SEO guys and Twitter Trenders came clean and thanked The Royal Mail.  So…..

“Thank you Royal Mail…. ps we’ll miss you when you’ve gone”

I don’t know who is to blame - employer, employee or union – but I do know that every time they go on strike that they loose business. Each time the post is disrupted more businesses look to the web and internet tchnologies to solve the communication gap forced upon them. Paying bills using BACS, Direct Debit and Standing Order becomes an essential operational activity and introducing electronic payment methods via web and by Direct Debit becomes essential for even small businesses. 

But why is the Post Office in decline - what’s went wrong?

Fairly obviously the decline of the Royal Mail can be traced back directly to when they started using red elastic bands to hold (and bend) our mail. Before then our gardens, pavements and desk drawers were elastic band free – but now it’s impossible to move anywhere without tripping over them. And in those elastic band free days our post arrived with our Porridge and Toast and then again with the afternoon Tea and Cake. Post twice and daily – as regular as someone on Yakult (no I don’t use it) – and not a rubber band in sight.

It’s not as daft a theory as you would think. I can remember when an elastic band was something to be treasured and kept safe. As a kid combining a rare to find elastic band with your fngers created the perfect trebuchet to fire folded bus tickets at your mates – you could take an eye out with them you know (normally my own - mine always backfired). But now our posties discard them and our Royal Mail distribute them freely around the country. Check your top drawer if you work near or in reception – yip thought so – full of elastic bands.

You see my theory goes something like this – if you don’t trust the postie enough to keep the mail organised in his bag without first splitting everything up using elastic bands then the chances are that you don’t trust the postie to do his job. And if you really need to micro manage the postie’s bag in this way then pretty soon everyone and everything in The Royal Mail needs the same level of process and procedure. I’m not knocking process and procedure – business relies on it – but maybe just maybe the red elastic band is a step to far – maybe it is a symptom of a busineess failing rather than a business getting organised. Ultimately business relies on good people – the red elastic band signals something going wrong – it may even have deskilled the job.

Postcode sorting technology and asset tracking systems have revolutionised the post and the logistics world – they’ve even caused some industrial disputes – but who’d have thought that the technology that has been quietly destroying the UK postal service has been nothing more complicated than elastic.

I’m off to build a trebuchet made from two hundred red elastic bands and a supermarket trolley. Think I’ll promote it, sell it and take payment for it all online…….but I wonder who I can get to deliver it?